A couple of weeks ago I was told that "sex is not intimacy" huge red flag!  A couple of days later while watching "Sex & the City" Charlotte told carry "how well do we know the people we sleep with?"  day before yesterday  i was told that "that's what makes you different from Americans. They will give you their bodies, but never their minds our souls. You will." i didn't know how to take that, as a complement or as a complaint.

The combination of those lines  got me thinking…

There's no problem with sleeping with anyone because we are only giving the body, our physical representation in this material world. Our minds and souls are intact, they have nothing to do  with one night stands.  Therefore, there's no intimacy in sex. Obviously,  if the other(s) involved in the act do it with the same intention, or lack of it in such cases, we don't know them,  we don't even  want to.

Being this truth is scary. There would be then no difference between us and animals. How sad if  this kind of sex is the principle that drives us. It is not surprising when we look around and remember that we live in a culture of instant gratification. All we want is to have pleasure when we need it. How long it will last is not important, how empty we are gonna feel when it is over, who cares? Give me pleasure now! Shoes,  movies, cars, furniture, it is all there to give us pleasure and fulfill us… unfortunately we have added people to that list, and as we do with objects as soon as the novelty wears off we go for the next new and improved version. What we forget getting new and improved versions of is ourselves. 

Another line comes to my mind now…"Kabbalah says that when all you let people see of yourself is your physical body, a  physical body is what you get in return. When you let people see your soul, you are attracting other souls" that is were the problem is. What is in our souls that we are scared of showing? Why are we so scared us of people who let us see their souls?

Pretty busy day… I got up early and bought the plane tickets for the retreat, e-mail the flight details to Tony and registered for the retreat.  I watched the "Gathering Souls" Video, tears came to my eyes. I felt so blesses and thankful....

Then… I put on my old, torn , flannel shirt, my 'tough' jeans and my 200 dollars cat boots, suede gloves and started the day.  For long hours I worked, I chopped wood,  stack it, and got mud all over me. My back hurt, my wrists were killing me. I was all sweaty and  my hair was a mess. Glamour was far away from me.

Then as the hours passed by I started getting worried about the time. Checking the clock every couple of minutes does not make it work faster! Finally, five o'clock. Got back to the house and jumped into the shower. Water is amazing, magical. It seems to have transformed me. As the dirt of the woods  was being  washed from my body, a different kind of me emerged. I shaved and the reflection on the mirror didn't look familiar. He had no shape...  

I then got into my wool blend herringbone charcoal Perry Ellis pants,  a hot pink  wrinkle free fitted dress poplin solid point collar dress DKNY shirt, baby pink half zip wool sweater  vest , tied up  a silk striped Hugo Boss tie  and grabbed my 3/4 Armani black coat.  I was s ready for my so-long-awaited date with …  On the way there my back was hurting so bad, my wrists were killing me but I looked fabulous.  I was exhausted. 

The way back home lasted forever. I got home put on  my pajamas, the 'fabulousness' was gone, the pain on my back and wrists was still there.  While brushing my teeth  the reflection on the mirror stared back at me.   He had shape now. I smiled at him, and he smiled back… i gave him a wink, and when he gave me one in return  I felt great cause I knew he likes me as much as I like him.

As I have recently worked with tools or on cars I can understand him better. I can see  how enjoyable physical labor is, I feel rewarded after a hard day of work. I get a feeling of accomplishment, I mean, you see the results right away. Whereas intellectual labor is more abstract.

Anyway, that was not my point.

I  can understand my father now, I can see why he enjoys working on cars, and tools and stuff. As my hands were getting showered with grease, I could only think of his hands, the smell  of gas he had when he would come into the house after working on one of his vehicles. I hated that smell.

I was judgmental…about my own father. I was negligent, I denied him.  I never thought about the sacrifices he had to go through to give the  kind of life he thought was the best. He was young, he did not know what to do. Nobody taught him how to be a father. He was as scared of being a father as i was of being a son.

Today as I washed the grease from my hands, I could only think of him. I could only think of those hands I was so scared of for so many years.

All I can think about now, as he grows older  and wiser, is to hold his hands, look him in the eyes and tell him how much I miss him, how much I admire him, how much I respect him...how much I love him.

What a week!

Miracles happened, I witness them.

No more believing, just knowing.

All kinds of emotions and feelings were experienced in such an intense way.

A rollercoaster of experiences invited me for a ride, a very tempting invitation.

I took it.

I trusted the Light as I had never before; I tried not to listen to the opponent.

I dived into my soul, into the feelings I have kept hidden, repressed very deep inside of me.

And let me tell you… it worked.

Don’t ask me how or why but I felt protected.

I was able to realize that all those veils that I throw over the Light bulb are just illusions that my ego builds.

Illusions that keep me from fulfilment, from love, from peace, from respect (external & internal).

I finally stopped adoring myself, and started loving myself.

I need no external things now; all I need is inside of me.

Although I have to be honest by saying that yes, sometimes that little voice inside my head tells me I can’t make it.

It tells me I am too weak, too short, too stupid, and too useless… too… ME!!!

Yet, I’d rather listen to the voice that comes from heart.

It does not use words; it shows me results, facts that allow me to see the difference between truth and illusions.

I stand with my head up high; proud of the road I have followed up to today.

I made peace with all the people I have come across.

I followed the Zohar’s advice, I did not only forgive those who seemed to have done wrong to me, but I forgave them and wished them well.

I understood the roles they have played in my life, the lessons they have taught me.

As a consequence, I signed peace with my past.

Being proud of my past, makes me enjoy my present and start building for my future.

Many things need to be done, rearranged, fixed. Prioritize them is my job now.

It won’t take long, things are clear, besides one will lead to the next and so on.

No more over-thinking, everything will unravel as it is to be.  

In the game of life versus Jike, neither winner nor loser, we are even.  

I am still not sure what the future will bring, or how things will end up shaping up as, but I know it will be the best.

I know I will shine my brightest Light.

I am confident.

I know.