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August 27 "Remember, remember, never forget, all of your life has all been a test..."posted by jike on Aug. 23, 2007
"Remember, remember, never forget, all of your life has all been a test..."And here I am.
Left on my own devises.
It has been a month now since I left.
As I saw miles and miles of road were being left behind, I began to understand how big this was gonna be, I had not felt it like that before.
Truth to be told I was not scared.
I was excited, so many pictures about the things to come were flashing in my head, a smile was drawn on my face each and every time.
How was I to know what was to come?
It is said that lessons are not on the final destination but on the way.
I took a big chance and risked a lot when I decided to take a detour on the way to the final destination of this trip.
Bad idea… one of the worse ever.
It was meant to be a surprise, it was meant to be good,
it was meant to be fun, it was meant to mean a lot… It was a surprise, it meant a lot, but for all the wrong reasons.
How can good intentions be misinterpreted in such a bad way?
I guess it is because the entire previous story had been misinterpreted too.
But even so, here I am.
Trying to stay standing, fighting my worst enemy ever…myself.
I have nothing, but myself.
There’s no customs, no expensive clothes and fancy shoes to disguise myself.
I cannot fool people, or the image on the mirror. What is seen is what there is.
There’s no comfort zone, no designer’s furniture & home supplies filling empty spaces.
The space within is harder to fill. I have found places I thought were filled.
What do I have then… myself. Scary, eh?
Have u ever been with yourself for a month?
I have been able to identify flaws within my perfection.
I have been able to feel and sense the love of my family,
which most of the time is taken for granted.
The loving words of my father giving me support so that I don’t break down,
the e-mails of my brother… they love me, I love them, I know it now.
I have missed my friends, so many things I want to tell them and I can’t.
So many times have I needed their arms to wrap me as I break in tears.
But they are not here, it is only me.
I have to hold myself, put myself together and keep on going.
I want to go back because it is safe, comfortable, it is known territory.
But what we want is not what we need.
What I need is to be brave, to be strong, to have the courage to face life, to face myself,
to learn to love myself so that I can love and be loved.
All I have is a new start, fresh, clean, pure. I will be who I am, without fear.
There’s no speculations to fulfill, no o one to impress.
I am on my way to become a ‘Future Lover’; I am becoming ‘a better version of myself’.
I let go of my attachment to material possessions,
and I am learning to let go to all the things that have added up
and built up my emotional constipation for so long.
The day we were together you asked why my soul had chosen to be born in Mexico,
so far away from you.
I could not think of an answer back then, but the questions kept whirling in my soul ever since.
I know the answer now, and that is why I needed to see you,
so that I could to tell you that I had finally found the answer.
It was for this moment, because I needed to go through 30 years of fighting and struggling for this freedom. Otherwise I would have never appreciated for what it really is.
I came to learn to let go, I let go of it all and here I am.
Time will tell.
Oh, did I mention ‘my’ name of G*d is number 58?
"...sticks and stones will break my bones, but your name will never hurt..."posted by jike on Aug. 16, 2007
"...sticks and stones will break my bones, but your name will never hurt..."I did not tell you because I wanted to surprise you and see how your face would glow and your blue eyes would shine as you saw me.
At least that’s what I had thought would happen. All I wanted was to start this new stage of my life with you.
Even though you had asked me several times I never told you my plans, where I was going, who I was going with, what I was going to do, etc. Therefore I thought it would be good to tell you all about it personally. So that I could feel all your love and Light, receive it right there directly from you. I knew they would give me the strength to face whatever was ahead. I wanted you to be the first person I ‘would see’ in this country. I thought it would make you happy to see me. I thought it was gonna be easier for us now not being so far away.
I wanted to hug you and tell you it will all be ok. I wanted to touch your face and tell you how proud I was of you. I wanted to hold your hand as we watched some tv. I wanted to feel your arm around my shoulder, mine around your waste as we walked. I wanted to take care of your sleep without a screen between us. I wanted to be with you. I thought you would enjoy it.
How could I be so wrong? How could I have lied to myself like that and for so long? It is all clear now. I finally understood what ‘us’ has been all this time. It hurts. All the words you said to me felt like needles going through my soul, they still resonate within my head, they still hurt. I would have never imagined you saying all those things to me. Well, at least not the ‘you’ I thought I knew.
I should have known. I should have seen it coming. I should have expected it. It wasn’t the first time you did it. Although this time was different, it was not just emotionally devastating, but physically dangerous.
And all I can do is thank you again for being a great teacher. A teacher who allowed me to see how ugly the real world is out there, for opening my eyes to the darkness of human desires, for teaching me how much humiliation I can take, for teaching me how low I can fall… but even at my lowest ever I was able to pick myself up. I wash away the shame from my body, but I haven’t been able to wash it from my soul. I will someday, because it was all just a test for my survival skills. In spite of my broken heart I survived the streets, I survived the night, I survived the tears, but most importantly, I survived you… again.
"...have a celebration, all across the world, in every nation...""...you were my lesson, I had to learn. I was your fortrees, you had to burn..."posted by jike on Jun. 27, 2007
"...you were my lesson, I had to learn. I was your fortress, you had to burn..."Why is my heart not broken this time around?
I guess I was cautious and therefore I did not play all of my cards.
How honest is that? Not only to him but to myself.
Why is it so hard to listen to ones heart and let it rule?
He is all about thoughts, not feelings, and I was not all heart this time, for the very first time, which I think is why I was not devastated when he spoke his mind.
It is frustrating though.
Heart says one thing; I can see it in his eyes.
Thoughts say the opposite; I can hear it in his words.
I had that sensation too although I was inclined to listen to my heart, as usual, and let it lead me. Nevertheless my thoughts were as strong as my feelings and kept me from giving up to…love…infatuation…
I can do nothing but thank him for being honest, and bold.
That is so him, honest... to his thoughts, a liar to his heart.
It was his way to show me his love, to protect me from himself.
That is him, split into two.
I learned my lesson the hard way as usual.
I learned to be careful, to be patient, to identify the right time for speaking and be brave enough to do it.
I learned to speak my mind, even knowing I was to lose, luckily I did not lose, besides there is not winning or losing in the game of love, nor in life in general for the same matter.
It is up to us to learn and move on; it is then when I consider having a victory.
I guess I won, but… if so…why am I sad?
"...I always wished that i could find...but in the process I fotgot..."posted by jike on Jun. 02, 2007
"... I always wished that I could find...but in the preocess I forgot..."He approached me one cool Berkeley morning just to tell me I was beautiful.
He invited me for a coffee, and I accepted.
He tried to kiss me goodbye and I refused, but still he hugged me.
We started hanging out every day, yoga, movies, lunch, dinner, long walks, and museums.
San Francisco became our playground.
As days passed by we knew the time for goodbye was getting closer.
We built barriers, not to end up hurting ourselves and each other.
He went on vacation, I came back home.
Two countries, one bond.
Phone calls, e-mails, more phone calls, more e-mails…
A trip, some fears, and a secret added up after Chanukah.
We spent two weeks sharing, trusting, watching movies, traveling to old towns, taking long walks, trying all kinds of food.
Michoacan became our playground.
I opened, for the first time ever, my whole world for someone to get in.
He struggled with his issues, his emotional unavailability.
I broke his heart.
As days passed by we knew the time for our second goodbye was getting closer.
Phone calls and e-mails got more frequent.
He grew warmer, he thought he had to ‘fight’ for me, and so he did.
I got cancer.
He left it all to hold my hand as quimo ate me alive.
He had no choice but to let me see a glimpse of what his heart wanted to tell me.
We cried, we laughed.
We had to say goodbye.
More phone calls, more e-mail.
His graduation, my moving, it all seemed our lives would separate us even more.
We will be getting physically further apart.
I didn’t know how to tell my Israeli man, I did not think he’d understand…
I thought I knew him, I thought I knew his fears.
He surprised me, I was overwhelmed.
I was shocked; he knew it since my first word.
I knew he knew as I said my second word…
He interrupted me and said “just move down here with me”
"...nothing takes the past away like the future..."posted by jike on May. 27, 2007
"...nothing takes the past away like he future..."Have you ever thought how perfect our lives are? I am not talking of perfection in the Walt Disney sense. I am talking about how every event comes to us in a perfect time frame, even without us noticing it. All those events are just that, just events. Whether we consider them good or bad is up to us… to some extent, because when we look at them too close they may seem bad, wrong. Although once we get the capacity to look at them at some distance, as part of something bigger, as parts of a puzzle, and we realize they are not just random events, we are able to understand their purpose. They transform then, from misfortunes to opportunities.
The last week of the Omer was hard, intense, and difficult. A series of so-called misfortunes added up. I refer to them as ‘so/called misfortunes’ because I do not see them as that. They have been signals, dare I say, helping me to understand that the time for a change has come, telling me that I cannot keep on procrastinating my life! I took the first giant step last Thursday, I knew, as soon as I had done it that there was not turning back. Yesterday the second step took place, from now on only firm steps without hesitation.
Yes, although it has been sad to see my ‘perfect world’ fall apart, I am focusing on what is ahead. It is also true that although I am afraid of what is ahead, I know it is the biggest and best decision I have ever made. Trying not to waste energy on being sad and/or scared but saving it for all the unexpected things the future will bring is the best thing I can do. I will need all of my strength for what is to come.
Last weeks Torah’s portion talks about the Mitzvah of Shmita, the Sabbatical year. A cycle, every seven years…
Interesting… I was a modern/Butoh dancer for six years, I had a year of transition and then I started teaching. Now that I think about it… I have been a teacher for…six years. Coincidence?
A cycle is to be closed; a new one is opening right in front of my eyes.
No misfortunes, only opportunities. I just hope to be smart enough to get the best out of them.
"...but how was i to know which way the story'd go..."posted by jike on Apr. 26, 2007
"...but how was I to know which way the story´d go..."A year ago this community was born.
A year ago my life started to experience incredible changes.
Here I was, here he was, here we were...
I found him?
He found me?
We found each other?
As he said several time before, the Light brought our paths together again, in this lifetime, for us to learn and grow from each other.
He has been one of the greatest teachers I’ve ever had. He helped me to get closer to the Light, he taught me how to pray, he taught me how to connect. He opened my heart to love, not only his, but all the love from the people around me. He opened my eyes allowing me to see the whole of the man inside of him, but most importantly he opened my eyes and gave me the opportunity to see the man who was hidden inside of me. He released that man and let him out. And everything else immediately changed, work, family, friends all bonded together to make my life whole, pleasant. He turned on the Light switch inside of me.
He cried with me, he cried for me.
I cried with him, I cried for him.
Physical distance never seemed as such an illusion. Even though we had spent night watching each other's sleep, and I would sang for him until he would fall asleep, we only spent 26 hours within the same physical space. It all seemed so right, it all felt so good. Unfortunately he got blinded by so much Light and ran away... And even though I hear not from him anymore, I still feel him. I can't help it. I thank him, I love him. He is, now and forever, mi Angel de Luz.
"...dont' want my dreams adding up to nothing..."posted by jike on Apr. 02, 2007"...don't want my dreams adding up to nothing..."I wanna be free… From the chains that hold my heart and don’t allow me to love From the barriers that separate me from my beloved one From the thoughts that blind my soul and keep me in the dark From the feelings that tell me I am not enough From the misleading ideas of this material world From the time that is consuming my body
I wanna be free and able to love I wanna be free and be loved I wanna be free and clean I wanna be free and just be me
And today I am allowing the Light to set me free…
"...I've had so many lives, since I was a child, now I realize, how many times I've died..."posted by jike on Mar. 03, 2007
"...I've had so many lives, since I was a child, now I realize how many times I've died..."How comfortable are you when you look back into your life and you don’t like the previous versions of yourself? Is it that the more we dislike who we were the more we have advanced in this game of life? I have gone through several stages, and it seems that it could not get better, but guess what? It did!!! I have no regrets for who I have been, though some of the stages, when looking back, have been kind of embarrassing, it all has taken me to where I am today, and today is amazing. The difference between my previous incarnations and the one today is that I was not conscious of the changes; they just happened ‘naturally,’ dare I say.
Today I am ‘Reinventing Myself’ once again, this time I am doing it consciously, filled with Light, certainty, and passion. I am becoming ‘a better version of myself’, ‘I’m not afraid of what I’ll face but I’m afraid to stay,’ I am not only ready to jump, but I am jumping!!!
"...for the very first time..."posted by jike on Feb. 24, 2007
"...for the very first time:.."How predictable can I be? The man I love told me so last time we talked. And he is right, I am. As usual after a broken heart, I have been watching “Sex & the City” every night for three weeks. Talking about predictable, right? But it was different this time. I watched with different eyes. I just realized how empty the show is, I mean it is all about shoes clothes, restaurants… all material things, all the illusions, from our material world that keep us away from ourselves. Tonight I finished watching the third season, the episode with my favourite quote. It may sound familiar for those who like the show, strange for those who don’t. Mr. Big is getting divorced and decides to repaint his apartment; a red wall on his bedroom is the risky change. Carrie gets to see it and when he questions her about what went wrong with them she just says… “We are like a red wall, good in theory, bad in practice:” It is my favourite quote, because I have always said I am like a red wall. Why? Let me try to explain it relating it of the show characters. Yes, I do have the negative traits of the main characters. Miranda: successful lawyer, low self-esteem, predictable, independent/egotistic, judgemental. Charlotte: old fashioned about relationships, stuck with the idea of the perfect man, relationship, marriage, obviously low-self-esteem. Carrie: the queen of over-thinking cannot let herself feel, her brain is always the one tearing her down, compulsive shopper, obviously low self-esteem. Watching their (dis)adventures once again every night forced me take look at myself. At all those traits that I tend to hide, but that I know are in there. The good thing about it is that I chose not to keep them hidden anymore, but to fight them instead. Especially after the past so-filled-with-Light month I have lived. So here I am, with my head up high, and my broken heart, ready to face what is next for me… no more ‘red wall’ let’s practice what I preach, let’s cut off those “Sex & the City” traits from their roots… I know I have to show who I really am, no distractions, no illusions because…“Nothing fails, no more fears” but this time with the consciousness that “nothing fails” because “for the very first time” it is me… I’ve washed away m tears.
"...angels call my name..."posted by jike on Feb. 09, 2007
"...angels call my name..."Trusting the Light is so amazing. I just sat and gave up into the Light last Tuesday, and Wednesday morning miracles started to happen, work, love, family... Amazing things are to come in the near future. Everything seems to be taking shape, there are still questions and doubts, but I KNOW it will all work out perfectly. Just as they are meant to be.
Reasons for leaving, reasons for livingposted by jike on Feb. 03, 2007
Reasons for leaving, reasons for livingReasons for leaving, reasons for living.
I love Mexico, and I specially love Morelia, that is no secret. Why then do I want to leave? What am I pursuing, am I pursuing something or am I just running away form it? Those questions are to easy to answer. Even though I am conscious of all of the advantages of living here, I have always felt trapped. I have never felt I belong here. I have always stuck too much, and that is a problem in a catholic country. The feeling of not belonging has increased way too much and way too fast recently. And many events that have happened lately seem to be pointing, aiming, telling me the right time has come. In the professional way, I have accomplished a lot in a relatively short time. But after seven years of working my ass off, I got to a point where I have surpassed the limitations of my working place. I am stuck. I cannot picture myself spending the rest of my life working here and falling into a never ending routine. There are some people who started working at the university years after me and they have gotten official steady positions in what seems to be such and easy and fast way. If I had gotten mine, I wouldn’t ever be worried at all. A steady position at the university solves problems for life! But then when I think about it the idea of spending the rest of my life in the same routine kills me. It would be the biggest comfort zone ever. And I would never be able to escape from it. And that I don’t want. Money wise, and as a consequence of my ‘success’ at work, I cannot complain. I have also accomplished to get into the life style I have wished for since I was a kid. I have a very respectful wardrobe. A very eclectic and complete collection of music, and movies. A very conceptual-decorated apartment. And yes it’s always been nice to hear people complimenting me all the time about my good taste and my nice perfectly thought outfits, nevertheless that’s all they see, the outside. Ii would have liked to hear some compliments about how kind, fun, or smart I am. And in spite of the changing I have been through, not judging anymore, not buying instant gratification, being more relaxed, the idea of the ’material boy’ is stuck in everybody’s head and that’s how they still see me. And I don’t want that. Personally I know that I will never find a partner here. As I mentioned before, I stuck out too much. I am proud of being gay and I have never hidden it. I can’t hide it. It is not that I publish it front page, but I can’t live my life pretending being somebody I am not. Try that in a catholic, 3rd world country, I dare you! I don’t’ wanna be alone, I wanna learn, grow and die next to a man who teaches me, who lets me teach him. A man I can protect, a man who protects me. I wanna love… Spiritually, Mexico is a catholic country. I have never felt close to Catholicism. How can I pray to a God, who according to the church, sees me as a sinner for being a homosexual, something I did not choose to be? I have finally found Kabbalah, which has open the doors for me. Kabbalah has helped me understand so many things about myself, about the Universe. Kabbalah has given me the peace I have longed for so long. Yet being here has also kept me away from getting deeper into Kabbalah. There’s no one here to share it with, I can’t seem to find a way to get ‘closer’ to Kabbalah, I can’t seem to find a way get deeper into studying it. Yes, I have virtual/online experiences, but they are not enough, I need more, I need to get involved more into changing the world through Kabbalah. I can’t find it here. I want a new start, I want to start again, no luggage, no guilt. I need to prove myself I can change and become a better man. i wanna make a difference in the world. I can’t do it alone though, that I know. And even though I have always been scared of change and always looked for certainty I have learnt that if I trust the Light it will all come. It is excitement what I feel instead of fear. Still I can’t help but wonder…Are these reasons strong and valid enough for trying to leave my life as I know it until today, so that I can try to live my life as I want to live it? Love, Peace & Light.
"Sitting on a park bench, thinking about a friend of mine, he is only..."posted by jike on Nov. 10, 2006
"Sitting on a park bench, thinking about a friend of mine, he is only..."It is said that people come and go. I think people just come, but they never go. Everybody leaves a trace in our lives. They may not be physically with us anymore, but the lessons they have taught us remain within us forever. Some of them may have an amazing come back and it is then when we can realize and understand the lessons of life, we may find our best friend in someone who for a while seemed to have rejected us. All we have to do is allow ourselves to let them see, not what we are, but who we really are, we gotta open up our soul. A physical body attracts other physical bodies; a soul attracts other souls…
He is a gifted violinist. He is just 25. He is diabetic. He is getting worse and worse every day. He is in pain most of the time. He gets shots every day. He takes his “cocktails” at least four times a day. He has cried on my shoulder when he just can’t stand the pain.
And in spite of all those things…. He is fun, sarcastic, cute, and straightforward. He is one of the few people who can tell me things straight without hurting me, Quite the opposite, He makes me think. He questions me, he gives me options. He can be weak because he knows I am strong enough for him. He is strong for me when I am weak. He thinks I am handsome. He likes my crow’s feet, he thinks they’re sexy. He text messages me poems. He knows me so well.
And in spite of all those things, when He asked me “why are you not my boyfriend? I answered… “because you did not want to.”
"...no, I've never been afraid to cry, now I finally have a reason why..."posted by jike on Sep. 26, 2006
"...no I've never been afraid to cry, now I finally have a reason why..."Today Mauricio left. He is going to England for a year, to do his masters. I will miss him so much; I will need him so much. But today for the first ever time in my life, as I was hugging him goodbye, my lips opened up and a sound came out of my mouth… “I love you so much” I said. It did not hurt, it felt good.
Your soul mate does not necessarily have to have a romantic implication. No one at work would have imagined we would be as close as we are, not even us! There is a man who likes being with me. He always knew I am gay, he did not care. He fulfills all the heterosexual stereotypes you can think of, and he is man enough to tell me he loves me. He is not perfect, no, no. He is very reactive, impulsive and may even get a little violent.
We became brothers, we became partners in crime, we became strong, so that the other could lean on if needed, and for that same reason we allowed ourselves to be weak, we had each other…what could possibly go wrong?!?!?! There was nothing we would not share, we have laughed, we have cried, we have been angry, we have been disappointed, we have helped each other. We let each other know we were doing the right thing, we did not hesitate on saying we were doing the wrong thing.
I whish I had words to express this feeling, but I don’t. Words don’t do enough justice. I will borrow some word written by someone we all know and I will dedicate them to him…. my straight boyfriend, as if they were mine:
You push me to go the extra mile
You push me when it's difficult to smile You push me, a better version of myself You push me, only you and no one else You push me, see the other point of view You push me when there's nothing else to do You push me when I think I know it all You push me when I stumble and I fall Keep on pushing like nobody Every race I win, every mood I'm in Everything I do, I owe it all to you Every move I make, every step I take Everything I know, it's all because you push me You push me when I don't appreciate You push me not to lie and not to hate You push me when I want it all to end You push me when I really need a friend You push me, all I wanna do is cry You push me when it's hard for me to try You push me, learn to do it for myself You push me, only you and no one else Keep on pushin' like nobody Every race I win, every mood I'm in Everything I do, I owe it all to you Every move I make, every step I take Everything I do, it's all because you push me You push me Keep on pushing like nobody Keep on, keep on Every race I win [To go the extra mile] Every mood I'm in [When it's difficult to smile] Everything I do [A better version of myself] [Only you and only you and only you] Every move I make [To see the other point of view] Every step I take [When there's nothing else to do] Everything I do [When I think I know it all] [Only you and only you and only you] Every race I win [To go the extra mile] Every mood that I'm in [When it's difficult to smile] Everything that I do [A better version of myself] I owe it all to you [Only you and only you and only you] Every move I make [To see the other point of view] Every step I take [When there's nothing else to do] Everything I know [When I think I know it all] It's all because you push me You push me (“Push Me” – Madonna)
"...can't kiss her goodbye, butI promise to try."posted by jike on Sep. 26, 2006
"...can't kiss her goodbye, but i promise to try"Two years ago, I was sitting in front of my computer when I got a phone call from my dad… I would have never expected the reasons for that call. The day before, Isabel, my best girl friend, had had a car accident on a highway… she had died. I yelled and cried like a mad man, I was sedated. The first person I called when I could be a little less crazy was Mauricio, my best friend. He could not believe it either.
We had seen her a couple of hours before the accident, how were we to know?
I had met her three years before. She took my job when I moved to Ohio. And when I came back our bond grew stronger than anything. She gave me a ‘social life’; none of us would do anything without saying/consulting it to the other. She was only 23, and the most beautiful woman I had ever seen (her picture is on my profile).
I had never felt loss or grief before, but it was so intense it turned into physical pain. My whole body hurt. I was totally devastated. I cried and cried for days until my eyes got actually dry and I could cry no more, even though I wanted to.
I was in love with her; she was in love with me. She told me so, I never did. And that was the reason why I felt especially bad; I never told her how much I loved her. She knew it, but she never heard me say it.
From then on I promised myself not to make the same mistake again. I would express my feelings to the people around me… a promise I could not keep.
"...the books I've ead, and the things I know...never taught me to let go..."posted by jike on Sep. 14, 2006
"...the books I've read, and the thing I know...never taught me to let go..."To feel, or not to feel. To think, or not to think. Enigma sings:
“It's hard to find the balance when you are in love.
You're lost in the middle because you have to decide between mind & heart. HEART is the engine of your body but BRAIN is the engine of your life.” Do you agree?
I do, totally.
I can’t stop feeling, but I can’t stop thinking either. Romance has never been my department, I always get in trouble… this time has not been the exception. I sometimes let my heart rule, most of the times in fact, that is why I always get hurt. So now, I am not letting my heart take total control, and giving my brain the chance to participate. It thought it would be the best idea, and that I would avoid getting hurt again. Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming others for hurting me. I am blaming myself for that, I take full responsibility.
Thinking is not actually helping, things are even more complicated. Am I not letting myself feel as much as I may? I thought it would be good not putting myself in danger, but at the same time I think what if I lose him for not giving the 100%? Will I get hurt again if I follow my heart? Too complicated, I may just give it all up and avoid it all.
"...to go the extra mile...a better version of myself..."posted by jike on Aug. 19, 2006
"...to go the extra mile...a better veersion of myself..." I am just back home. I am happy, I am blue. My apartment is a mess, I wanna smoke, but I must resist.
Thank you UC Berkeley
Thank you Dr. Jim and Jenny
Thank you Stephen
Thank you Madonna
Thank you Alejandro
Thank you Aldo & John
Thank you Michael
Thank you Amnon
Thank you Light
Thank YOU.
"...round and round just like a circle, I can see a clearer picture..."posted by jike on Aug. 17, 2006
"...round and round just like a circle, I can see a clearer picture..."
I am ready to go back home. This has been the best trip ever, in many aspects. Professionally and academically, I learnt so much. School was really demanding and absorbing, there were times when I wanted to give up, but the Light kept me on track and I followed it. My classes taught me so many things, totally new stuff, new versions of old stuff, and more. I am glad they are over, I am glad I did my best, they taught me how far I can get if I focus and go the extra mile!!!
On the personal level… where should I start… my co-worker and friend Alejandro was also here. We had a good relationship before, but we took it to a very different dimension. We not only shared time and experiences here, but also passages of our past that we had kept hidden, that we could get over. We let them out, we allowed the to get into our lives, to see what most people don’t see. We went the extra mile.
As I mentioned in a previous blog, the main reasons for this trip changed dramatically. Not all of them though, I did get to see Madonna live again, the Light I felt was amazing, we made briefly eye contact a couple of times. That was amazing, there are no words to describe her beauty, her energy, and her strength, power, Light… she always goes the extra mile.
I faced my fears of traveling alone, I learned survival techniques. I let silence into my days and nights, to find out that it is not as scary as I thought it was, in fact I used it to face some of my demons; I forced myself to do it. I took some decisions that led me to not so easy ways, and I forced myself to see things from the bigger picture, not from my narrow selfish vision. It works; believe me, it so works.
About love… that was the hardest one. I learnt what true, pure, unconditional love is. I finally saw it. I saw it reflected on my friends’ 21 year relationship, I saw it when I looked into Aldo’s eyes for the first time in 6 years, I saw it when Alejandro whipped my tears and I whipped his, I saw it when Amnon lay his head on my shoulder as he hugged me goodbye, I see it in my mom’s e-mails, I see it in Mauricio’s and dad’s e-mails too. I finally know what it feels to be loved, what it feels to love without limits and/or labels.
I finally opened up my heart.
"...is it me or you that i am afraid of?...can't bring myself to let you go..."posted by jike on Aug. 15, 2006
" ...is it me or you that I'm afraid of...can't bring myself to let you go..."I love walking, and I do it very fast. I walk fast as if there was something waiting for me at my destination. Even when I walk just for pleasure, I walk fast. Walking fast does not allow me to enjoy the path, to miss some signs, I go so fast, waiting, longing, looking for that something that seems to be waiting for me somewhere, but I never get it. I met someone who tried to teach me to walk slowly, to enjoy the path, to look around and be aware of the surroundings; he tried to hold my hand as we walked… I started walking faster, he kept up with me so I walked faster, he kept up with me, I walked even faster, he kept up with me, I started running he stood up and watched me getting away.
"...but my soul drew back, cover with dust and sin..."posted by jike on Aug. 05, 2006
"...but my soul drew back, cover with dust and sin..."This summer has been quite different of what I had thought it would be. I had three ‘objectives’ for this trip; two of them are now accomplished missions. The other one evaporated even before I left Mexico. And that’s the one that has been hunting me; I know that so much has been said about soul mates lately. But sorry, here I go! I have always felt an immense need to be loved, I have always tried to get people’s attention, sometimes in very bad ways though, and the way I worked for it was not the ideal one. I have a pattern; I always fall for emotionally unavailable people. Why? Easy! Because I am emotionally unavailable! What? How? Why? This is the way it works: I would meet a guy; we would get to know each other. Both of us would be totally head over heels for one another, things would grow, feeling would arouse… fear would appear. And then he would just want to be my friend, my best friend. I would accept to be friends, playing the victim part of course, and pretend that I had moved on. Then he would come back saying having had second thoughts and wanting me ‘back.’ I would obviously say no, I ‘had moved on’ remember! And then it was all so perfect for both of us, I would blame him for not wanting a relationship with me at the beginning, and he would blame me for the same reason. We would walk away feeling used, betrayed, lonely, but the important fact is that we would say that it was HIS fault not MINE. Obviously it was the perfect match, nobody looses in this game, because none of the players take responsibility for their actions. We would blame the other, not me. I have played this game for quite a while, although last time was different. It was worse. It was an online/phone crush with a Kabbalist. Yeah, I thought it was going to be different, I mean, he was a Kabbalist, right? Well, no. My pattern was repeated once again, and the sad part is that I knew it, that I always know it and still play it. Being here for the summer, away from home, from my family and friends I got time for reevaluating things. And this pattern has taken must of my thinking. I am really tired of it. Especially this last time was so emotionally difficult. I decided to give up on the whole soul mate thing and focus on other aspects of my life that need a Light infusion too. Oh yeah, sure, whatever! Somebody came along, but this time the pattern changed roles, it is me the one who is turning back and walking away first.
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